The main reason I’m writing this preview is that I’m really excited to talk about the JDS-Hunt fight (We’ve secured a visa for Mark! Hallelujah!), as well as the return of Cain Velasquez. As I started really studying these prelims, though, something stuck out to me, and that is this: I think most, if not all, of these fights are going to end in highlight reel fashion. You have the return of Jeremy Stephens, who will surely be aggressive and surly coming off of his first career knockout loss. You have Stephen “Wonderbread” Thompson fighting for the first time in forever against a greenhorn from Philly who passes the “I wouldn’t want to meet this guy in a dark alley” test. You have George Roop, who never met an overhand right he didn’t try to eagerly run face first into. You even have Dennis Bermudez making his return, even though he should have retired after his fight with Matt Grice. How could you possibly top that? I’ll shut up now and get to my breakdown, but we’d better have plenty of doctors and maybe even a priest on hand for this collection of fights, just in case.

Jeremy Stephens vs. Estevan Payan

If “Estevan Payan” sounds familiar to you, it’s probably because of this:

And if not, well, you’re welcome. What’s strange is that, when this fight was announced, I immediately remembered Payan as the guy who KO’d Reyes with the spinning backfist, not the other way around. History isn’t about what happened; it’s about what we THINK happened. Maybe I just subconsciously thought “There’s no way the UFC would sign the guy that face planted like that.”

Speaking of face planting, UFC mainstay Jeremy Stephens is coming off of his first career knockout loss, which came at the hands of Yves Edwards. Stephens got into one of his wild and wooly exchanges, and Edwards dropped him with superior speed. What was strange is that usually Stephens has an admirable chin, and Edwards just lambasted him. Is this a sign that Stephens is becoming shopworn? Possibly. But I don’t see him having too much trouble with Payan, who should serve as adequate cannon fodder for the right hand of Stephens. Jeremy by knockout.

Brian Bowles vs. George Roop

Brian Bowles is one of those guys that can do it all. Good wrestler, good hands, early ’60s Beatles haircut. Everything. The problem is that he fights so seldom that every time he gets a fight announced, I think “Brian Bowles is still fighting? I had no idea!”

This dude is just woefully inactive. At 32 years old with only 12 professional fights, you have to think that he’ll only be fighting for a limited amount of time, and it’ll be a bummer to have to see him waste one of the fights in a promising career against a human scarecrow in George Roop.

Look, I can appreciate the things that Roop brings to the table, but this is one of those fights that I can already see in my mind’s eye. Roop will leave his head straight up in the air like he always does, Bowles will close the distance and land an overhand right, and that’ll be the end of it. Roop just isn’t good enough. Bowles by knockout.

Dennis Bermudez vs. Max Holloway

Bermudez returns to the octagon coming off a victory in a fight that, to me, was the fight of the year so far. Dennis and Matt Grice just beat the tar out of each other. One of my biggest mistakes this year was deleting that fight from my DVR after only two viewings. I could have (and should have) gone for about five more.

Anyway, he takes on Max Holloway, who is coming off of a narrow decision victory over Leonard Garcia.

This fight is black and white. If Bermudez wants to stand and trade, he’s going to put himself in peril. Both men have dangerous hands, but Holloway’s are a bit more polished, and to say his striking defense is better would be an understatement. If Bermudez comes in wanting to grapple, he significantly increases his chances of success. Holloway’s takedown defense has improved, but once he’s on his back, he’s still at a disadvantage against much of the featherweight division.

Bermudez is the more well rounded fighter, but he’s also the guy who is more likely to get into unruly firefights. His heart cannot be denied, as he made a spirited third round comeback against Matt Grice after being batted around the octagon for two rounds, but I think Max Holloway puts his hands on him here and either TKO’s him or cruises on points. Holloway by decision in a back and forth one.

Colton Smith vs. Robert Whittaker

I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to be psyched about these dudes fighting each other. Robert Whittaker is solid, but Brad Scott made him look like a god amongst men. Those are the kind of things that happen on TUF Finale cards. Colton Smith is an awful striker, and his name is Colton. Whittaker by decision.

Nah-Shon Burrell vs. Stephen Thompson

The snooty bad guy from every eighties teen movie gets his third go round in the UFC, this time with rough and raw Philly product Nah-Shon Burrell. This fight is a true clash. Thompson has fought a million karate matches and has been a martial artist his whole life. Burrell is just a naturally gifted fighter from Philadelphia who probably has lots of fights that will never show up in the Fight Finder, for obvious reasons.

Burrell is still pretty green, but he could absolutely rock Thompson’s world with his boxing. I see Thompson getting back on track here, though, as he ran into real trouble when Matt Brown took him to the ground and started throttling him with strikes. Burrell is less likely to employ that kind of strategy. Thompson will land a few flashy strikes, and might have his chin tested, but will ultimately put Burrell away with punches in the second round.

Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Abel Trujillo

It’s time for people to start paying attention to Nurmagomedov. Those elbows he used to put away Thiago Tavares in January were downright evil, and it’s not like they were big winging bombs. They were just downward shots that were deadly accurate, and no steroid on the planet was going to help Tavares beat Khabib that night. On top of his cold blooded ground and pound, Khabib excels in both wrestling and the clinch game. He’s improving each time out, he’s undefeated at 19-0, and he’s only 24 years old.

Abel Trujillo, on the other hand, was the beneficiary of a late replacement opponent in his UFC debut. Not only that, but his replacement opponent was Marcus LeVesseur, who happens to be a bit of a softy. Don’t get me wrong; Trujillo absolutely lit up LeVesseur, dropping him in a punching exchange and savaging him to the body the entire fight, as Marcus fished for takedowns that never came. It’d be hard to imagine a better debut. I just see Trujillo as being a tier or two below Khabib.

A finish seems probable here, and it will come by way of a submission by Khabib Nurmagomedov.

Mike Pyle vs. Rick Story

I know Rick Story is coming in as a late replacement, but these are two guys that are heading in opposite directions. Mike Pyle has inexplicably reinvented himself as an excellent striker at the ripe old age of 37, while Rick Story has perfected his “run at guys recklessly with hopes that I can bully them, and if I can’t, I’m screwed” strategy to a tee.

I also know Story is coming off a win, but he hasn’t made any tangible improvements in his game in quite some time, and he isn’t exactly well rounded. What Demian Maia was able to do to his face was mind-boggling. Blood flew out of his nose like those blue paint packets they put in bank vault money bags.

This fight will inevitably end up on he ground, where Pyle’s gangly and experienced submission game should carry him to a tapout victory midway through the fight. If blood cartoonishly flies out of Story again, consider that a bonus. Story is still dangerous if he starts winging bombs, but give me Pyle by triangle.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to relish the weekends that do not feature a UFC event. With the barrage of cards we got last month, my head was ready to explode. Hey, its Gegard Mousasi and how about that FOX card and did you SEE Urijah Faber and holy shit Jon Jones is fighting a pointless fight and OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS TOE! Arggh! It was too much. Let’s all take a moment to breathe.

Are you breathing? Okay, good.

Weekends like the last two are obviously for family, friends, glass blowing, scrapbooking, monster trucking, skeet shooting, auto erotic asphyxia, or whatever else you sickos in the MMA community desire.

For me, almost all of the things I just mentioned took place (I’ll let you speculate which ones), but another addition to my weekend festivities was re-watching my favorite fight of the year so far. This is my third installment in my “A Look Back” series, and it raises a question: Is it dumb to wax poetic about a fight that happened less than 3 months ago? Probably. Look at this article as the modern-day equivalent to one hour photo processing. Let’s go with that.

Dennis Bermudez vs. Matt Grice Fight Video

(Disclaimer: My timestamps will begin when the fight starts in the video, which is … let’s see, 2:30)

0:45: Grice has a trip takedown stuffed and winds up mounted. Uh oh. Not a good start for Donald Matthew Grice, who, for my money, has one of the unluckiest UFC careers ever. He got guillotined by Terry Etim (in a fight he was winning handily) and Shannon Gugerty (in a fight where he was fighting Shannon Gugerty). He then ran into a buzzsaw in Ricardo Lamas, who turned out to be pretty damn good. I never thought Grice was a certified badass or anything, but he’s better than his record indicates. Anyway, Bermudez lands a series of hard, clean punches to Grice’s head, which causes Grice to make a face that men only make when they’re getting punched and they can’t stop it. I remember thinking “Geez, Grice has already dug himself a hole. How can he come back from this?” Little did I know.

3:15 : After getting tagged with umpteen left hooks and leg kicks, to the point that you wonder if he just enjoys being hit, Bermudez comes forward and lands several jabs as Grice moves straight back. Still, Grice is scoring, particularly with the left hook when Bermudez retreats.

3:40 : Grice lands a big combo as they separate. Dennis tries to respond with an overhand right that even Leonard Garcia thought was too wild, and is punished for it with a gigantic left hook that you could hear clearly on the broadcast. THWACK! Bermudez falls like a sniper took him out, but pops right back up. That’s one of those shots that Bermudez will truly feel in 40 years when he forgets where he put his bottle of Jose Cuervo and starts swearing at people even though he’s the only person in the room.

5:00 : Another big combo for Grice, who’s shown big improvements in his standup. Polished punches, elbows, and knees. Incredibly, he comes back to win the round on my scorecard even though he took some significant damage. 10-9 Grice.

5:53 : Left hook lands for Grice. You could hear it.

5:59 : Rogan dusts off one of his favorites: “This is the best version of Matt Grice we’ve ever seen inside the octagon.” That’s right, folks … Grice has paid off all of his backed up hospital bills, he’s patched things up with the people he’s hurt, and he’s even ventured down to nursing homes to read James Patterson novels and play canasta with old people. He’s the best version of Matt Grice.

6:50 : For the second time this round, Grice lands a glancing blow to Dennis that inexplicably sends him flying. To quote the underrated Mr. Baseball (Tom Selleck what?!?) “He’s wound so tight you couldn’t get a greased bebe up his butt.” Indeed.

A lull in the action prompts Goldie to launch into one of his prepared stories about Matt Grice, detailing how he was in a bad car accident that sent him flying through the windshield and required 12 surgeries, thus ending his college wrestling career. Rogan calls him on it, asking “What were the injuries to?” Goldie responds with “It went through the, uh, it went through the windshield, alotta head injuries, body was battered up, 12 surgeries.” All that was missing from that response was “Joe, you know damn well I have a piece of paper telling me this shit. Are you trying to fuck with me? ARE YOU?!?”

10:16 : Bermudez finishes the second round cradling Grice in an arm in guillotine, but that’s another one for Grice in my book. He landed the harder, crisper shots, especially those left hooks and right leg kicks. Still no real effort to put one another on their back, which is leading to this striking contest. The good news is, Grice is becoming increasingly more technically sound and fun to watch on his feet. 20-18 Grice.

10:40 : Bermudez comes out with a sense of urgency and cracks Grice with a right uppercut. Grice falls like a ton of bricks, and Bermudez tries to pounce. Several solid punches land big for Bermudez, including the series that prompt Grice to will himself back up to his feet. You can sense the lunacy that is about to happen.

12:08 : Bermudez rocks Grice again with punches and a big knee, eating that patented Grice left hook like he was hungry for it.

12:15 : Grice is rocked again with punches. He’s stumbling around the octagon like Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers.

12:30 : In the last 15 seconds, Grice has been absolutely shitfaced rocked two more times. Holy Jesus. Props to Herb Dean for letting them fight. A lesser ref would have waved it off. Then again, Matt Grice would also have more working brain cells.

12:36 : Grice slumps against the cage like he’s doing a trust fall. The crowd erupts with delight.

13:21 : Another big uppercut rocks Grice. By my count, that’s six separate times that he’s been stanky legged this round. If you don’t believe in 10-7 rounds, watch the 1st round of Edgar-Maynard 2, the 1st round of Velasquez-Rothwell, and this round. Then talk to me. I have no idea what kept Matty Grice on his feet. None. And even though he kept getting plunked, he was firing back the whole time. What the hell is wrong with these people?

13:55 : After yet another series of left hands against the cage, Bermudez switches it up and starts winging more rights. Grice is so rocked that he’s starting to stagger like the late Justin Eilers. Too soon?

(I’m not a good enough writer to describe this. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BANANAS.)

14:05 : Two more rights land for Bermudez. That’s eight separate times Grice has been staggered this round. Eight! And yeah, I know Bermudez has punched himself out by now, but still, these are all punches that are landing on the chin. Grice has a permanent look like he has a toothache, kind of like how you see certain guys at bars with the permanent whiskey face.

14:49 : Grice lands a left hook. I’m not dead yet! Just a flesh wound!

15:27 : Dennis and Matt spend the final 12 seconds of the fight trading punches. The horn sounds, and the crowd erupts as they embrace. Great moment. I have goosebumps.

That’s a bloody 10-7 round if there ever was one. My scorecard reads 28-27 for Dennis Bermudez.

Here’s where the comedy begins: two judges had it 29-28 for Dennis, and one had it 29-28 for Grice. All three judges scored the third round a 10-9. How does this happen? How do three people that allegedly know things about MMA botch that one so badly? This was a freaking 10-7 round, and not one judge even saw it as a 10-8? I give up.

I wanted to write about this because it really was just a randomly great fight. I don’t think many people had any sort of expectation going in, other than “here’s two UFC roster guys fighting on a random undercard”.

If either of these guys never win another UFC bout again, it doesn’t matter. This one will stand the test of time. I’ll let Dennis Bermudez bring us home …

“We tried to kill each other, and afterward, it’s weird when you meet someone by fighting. You both have common goals. (Afterward), you’re like ‘You’re a good person.’ I know it sounds ironic, but you can really tell alot about a person by their willpower and drive. He’s one of the coolest opponents I ever had.”

One of the biggest reasons I love mixed martial arts is that your ego can be crushed at any time. Everybody eventually loses in this sport, except Philip Miller. Hell, there are really, really good fighters that have lost as many times as Charles “Krazy Horse” Bennett has been arrested.

The methods in which guys lose has always been a source of fascination for me. There are tons of knockouts that get “KO of the Night” bonuses, but alot of them are surprisingly forgotten quicker than you’d think. For example, remember how badly Pat Barry knocked out Shane Del Rosario? Can you picture the knockout in your head? It’s more difficult than you’d think. And that was a BRUTAL knockout. I think Del Rosario might still be sleeping on the floor at the Hard Rock Hotel. That fight only happened 5 months ago.

It’s when you start to explore the bizarre and the inexplicable that things start to become memorable. In the case of fight endings, the word “memorable” doesn’t always coincide with the word “exciting”, but sometimes that anticlimactic, what-the-hell-just-happened dynamic can be its own kind of memory.

(Quick rant: That Ovince St. Preux-Gian Villante stoppage was a one of a kind head scratcher. I’ve seen tons of MMA. Just a ridiculous amount. And I have never, ever seen a referee misinterpret someone that obviously and egregiously. It was like Mulhall had money on St. Preux. Seriously. That moment would be the equivalent to a fighter getting bludgeoned in the nuts and having the ref immediately come over and ask him “Are you in pain?” Of course he’s in pain!)

Let’s explore some of this weird foolishness.

Shinya Aoki def. Marcus Aurelio via unanimous decision @ DREAM 16

Marcus Aurelio is a black belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and it isn’t one of those black belts that you can buy at Walmart, like the one Evangelista “Cyborg” Santos has. Marcus isn’t the greatest grappler in the world or anything, but he grapples at a relatively high level, and he’s been at it for a long time.

So to see him go out and get papa-beared by Shinya Aoki was startling. For those of you who don’t remember this fight, Aurelio spent much of his time trapped on the bottom against Aoki, who had a body triangle around his legs. And it’s not like Aoki briefly achieved this position; he had it for most of the fight. THIS MUST HAVE SUCKED SO BAD FOR MARCUS AURELIO. If I were him, I would have rather been brutally knocked out than to have my game not only nullified, but basically taken out of existence altogether. Marcus Aurelio was Shinya Aoki’s grappling dummy. I don’t know if Marcus is a big drinker, but I bet he poured himself a stiff one after this emasculation.

Matt Mitrione def. Philip De Fries via KO (punches?) @ UFC on Fuel TV 9

The common assumption among regular folks is that a bigger guy is categorically more likely to be able to fight than a smaller guy. If he has tattoos and a “I’m itching for you to act a fool so I can throw you out of this bar” look on his face, even better. People just look at it in terms of size. They don’t take into account athleticism and coordination.

Seasoned MMA fans know better. Seasoned MMA fans know that when you start to stray outside of the top ten, things get real ugly, real quick.

The heavyweight division is terrible. It’s steadily gotten better over the years, but it’s still pretty bad. You have guys losing dramatically in the first round with regularity, and when a fight does go to a decision (which is rare), you usually determine the winner by asking yourself “Which man was less close to dropping dead due to exhaustion?”

I’m still not quite sure what rendered Phil De Fries motionless in Stockholm, but it wasn’t the punches of Matt Mitrione. I’m pretty sure Phil just sprinted in for a takedown attempt and KO’d himself on Mitrione’s hip? Or something?

Stuff like this always makes me think “You know, I’d be far more terrified of what a guy like Brad Pickett could do to me than a guy like Phil De Fries. At least with De Fries I’d have a chance to run away, and hey, he might slip on a banana peel on the way in”.

Heavyweight MMA!

Gray Maynard fights Robert Emerson to a no contest @ TUF 5 Finale

Great Caesar’s ghost, was this awkward. Maynard lifted Emerson into the air and slammed him to the mat, and Emerson tapped out from an apparent injury. The problem? When Maynard completed the takedown, his head hit the mat so hard that it instantly knocked him out. He slowly, limply rolled over onto his back, which placed him literally right below referee Steve Mazzagatti’s ass. Had Mazzagatti uncorked a juicy fart at that moment, Maynard might have been stretcher bound.

This entire situation was both embarrassing and bizarre, but we were just getting warmed up at the Palms Casino. For some reason, they decide to interview Maynard about the situation. I’m reciting this from memory, but Rogan makes Maynard look at the big screen and basically says “You’re out right there.” Maynard responds with “No I’m not. I’m fine.” Rogan, going into attack mode, fires back: “You’re saying that you were okay? You were completely unconscious.” Maynard, visibly upset, replies “No! I’m fine.”

Something about Maynard taking the “I was fine” stance while millions of people can see that he was KO’d, as Rogan blatantly calls him on it, was excruciating. I remember thinking “I never want to see this again.” And I bet Gray Maynard doesn’t either.

Pete Williams def. Mark Coleman via KO (head kick) @ UFC 17

I know, I know. This is just a straightforward knockout. However, I was compelled to include it in here because something about it has always been hilarious to me. In fact, EVERYTHING about it has always been hilarious to me. Coleman shaking off the knee that preceded the kick. The fact that it hit Coleman right in the face. Pete Williams’ reaction. Pete Williams in general. And, of course …

Kiyoshi Tamura def. Aliev Makhmud via ? @ PRIDE 29

You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen clueless wrestler Aliev Makhmud make his one and only appearance in PRIDE. He comes out, hops around, makes dumb faces, and somehow scores a takedown on the stoic, clunky Tamura. But it’s when he starts attempting strikes that the fun really begins. He starts throwing kicks that resemble those of a toddler after his first viewing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Of course, it isn’t long before somebody gets hit in the nuts. Makhmud seems to get the worst of it, as he slowly walks over to his corner in pain. The pain doesn’t appear to be unbearable, but I must be mistaken because the next shot of Makhmud sees him laying on his stomach in apparent agony. There are five guys tending to Makhmud as he writhes around on the floor, and they’re treating him like a swordfish that is slowly dying on a fishing boat. Mauro Ranallo is talking.

“Makhmud is rising from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix,” Ranallo says with no conviction whatsoever. “He’s gonna quit,” Bas Rutten replies. Makhmud appears to be indicating that he can’t continue. But no!

A full 6 minutes later, the fight resumes. Makhmud lands the gumpiest left hand I’ve ever seen, then gestures that he wants to quit three separate times before telling Tamura to bring it on. He then throws the funniest kick I’ve ever seen, gets tagged with a kick to the body, and quits in his corner another two times before slowly grabbing his nuts, dropping into a crouch, and acting so erratically that even the Japanese referee sees the fight unfit to continue.

I can’t even call this a fight. This was the public unraveling of a human being’s psyche. If this fight had happened in the UFC, I honestly think Dana White would have spontaneously combusted. That would have been it for Dana. Everyone talks about boxer Oliver McCall melting down in his corner in between rounds against Lennox Lewis, but I’ll put ‘ol Aliev’s behavior against anyone’s in the “This is one of the greatest train wrecks I’ve ever seen” department.

I’m not topping Aliev Makhmud’s meltdown. Have a good week, folks.